He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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