I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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