Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
