Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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