So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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