Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
