I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
