I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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