just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
