Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
