all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
