Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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