I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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