So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
