2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
