Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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