I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
