we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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