there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
