The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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