The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
