He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
