Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
where does the pee come out of this thing
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
