you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
