We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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