I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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