I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Small penises have feelings too.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
