I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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