theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
