Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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