she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
