She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
