the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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