I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
How does one acquire holy water?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
