never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
