Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
