i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
