i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
