Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
