mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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