you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
