dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
