God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
