just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
