I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
