I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
