from now on my penis is your penis
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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