i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
