just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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