I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
