How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
