shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
